If setting boundaries were easy, we’d all be doing it effortlessly. But for many of us, boundaries feel hard. They stir up anxiety, self-doubt, and even guilt. We fear rejection, conflict, or being seen as unkind. And for good reason—our nervous systems are wired for connection, and sometimes, boundaries can feel like disconnection, even when they are actually an act of deep care.
But here’s the truth: boundaries are not barriers. They are expressions of self-respect, clarity, and love—love for yourself and love for the relationships you want to nurture. So, where do we start when boundaries feel impossible?
Step One: Understand That Difficulty is Normal
Discomfort is not a sign that you’re doing something wrong; it’s a sign that you’re growing. As Nedra Glover Tawwab says in Set Boundaries, Find Peace, “Boundaries are the cure to self-abandonment.” But that cure might feel like a stretch, especially if you’re used to prioritizing others over yourself.
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher in self-compassion, reminds us: “Self-compassion involves treating yourself with the same kindness, concern, and support you would show to a good friend.” Can we apply this to our boundary-setting journey? Can we meet our own discomfort with kindness?
Step Two: Move Towards Safety
If boundaries feel unsafe, your nervous system is likely in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode. To make boundaries sustainable, we need to cultivate safety within ourselves. This could look like:
- Deep breathing before and after a difficult conversation
- Placing a hand on your heart to ground yourself
- Reminding yourself: I am allowed to take up space
- Rehearsing boundary-setting in small, low-stakes situations
Your body needs to know that it is safe to assert itself. So before diving into a big boundary conversation, check in: How can I make this feel 10% safer for myself?
Step Three: Set Boundaries with Compassion
We often think of boundaries as a hard no, but they can also be a soft yes to what truly serves us. Instead of “I can’t help you with that,” try “I don’t have the capacity right now, but I care about you.” Instead of “Stop talking to me like that,” try “I feel uncomfortable when I hear that. Can we find another way to communicate?”
Boundaries don’t have to be harsh to be firm. They can be infused with kindness, respect, and clarity.
10 Small Things That Create Big Magic (Even When Boundaries Feel Hard)
Pause Before Responding – Give yourself permission to say, “Let me think about that.” You don’t have to decide in the moment.
Breathe Into Your Body – A deep belly breath can shift your state from anxious to grounded.
Use “I” Statements – Instead of blaming, say “I feel overwhelmed when…” This keeps communication open.
Mirror Your Own Needs – If you feel resentment, ask: What am I needing right now?
Practice Tiny No’s – Start with small, everyday refusals. “No, I won’t be taking on extra work today.”
Affirm Your Worth – Repeat: I deserve relationships that honour me.
Soften the Fear Response – Give yourself a comforting touch (hand on heart, self-hug) when setting a boundary.
Celebrate Boundaries as Love – Remind yourself: This is an act of kindness to myself and others.
Write Out Your Boundaries – Seeing them on paper can help reinforce your confidence.
Find a Support System – Talk to a friend, coach, or therapist who understands and affirms your boundaries.
A Reading List for Boundary-Setting with Heart
Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab
Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
The Book of Boundaries – Melissa Urban
Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff
Atlas of the Heart – Brené Brown
Polyvagal Theory in Therapy – Deb Dana (for nervous system safety)
Nonviolent Communication – Marshall Rosenberg
A Playlist for Courageous Boundaries
“Brave” – Sara Bareilles
“Unwritten” – Natasha Bedingfield
“Stronger” – Britney Spears
“Shake It Off” – Taylor Swift
“Good as Hell” – Lizzo
“Rise Up” – Andra Day
“Fight Song” – Rachel Platten
“You Say” – Lauren Daigle
“Scars to Your Beautiful” – Alessia Cara
“Who Says” – Selena Gomez
Boundaries Are Your Love LanguageBoundaries are not rejection; they are an invitation into more honest, sustainable relationships. They are the clearest way we teach others how to love us, and the most powerful way we show love to ourselves.
And as Maya Angelou once said: “When you know better, you do better.” Each small shift in your boundary-setting brings big magic. Keep going—you are worth it.
Book your complimentary coaching session. Explore how your boundary patterns are hindering you and explore the shifts that will help you.
