Most of us never learned to express anger in a healthy way. In fact, many of us rarely even witnessed it being done well. What we often did see — or feel in ourselves — was something Karla McLaren calls panger: a volatile blend of panic and anger.
Panic fuels survival-mode reactions: hypervigilance, scanning for danger, bracing for impact. Anger, in its healthy form, is decisive. It says, “This is not okay” and mobilises us to protect boundaries, values, and relationships. When panic and anger are fused, the clarity of anger gets scrambled. Instead of a clean, measured assertion, we get an explosive or anxious reaction that often leaves us — and the people around us — feeling unsafe.
The Role of Vulnerability in Unclenching “Panger”
Vulnerability is the bridge between panic and clarity.
When panic is present, our nervous system is on high alert — we clench, literally and emotionally. Anger then surges through a tightened, defensive body and mind. Vulnerability softens that clench. It invites us to pause, breathe, and name what’s really happening inside: I feel threatened. I feel small. I feel cornered.
This naming is not weakness. It’s the work of reclaiming our perspective. Vulnerability lets us step back from the panic impulse and see the situation through a wider lens. We begin to separate:
- The survival drive of panic (protecting life and safety)
- The boundary-setting drive of anger (protecting dignity and truth)
From that separation, choice emerges. We can decide how to act, rather than be hijacked by the blend.
The Vocabulary that Changes Everything
McLaren also points to a deceptively simple but life-changing truth: cultivating a richer vocabulary for our emotions changes our relationship with them. When we can name exactly what we’re feeling — rage, irritation, disappointment, frustration, grief — we can locate the need beneath the emotion and address it directly.
Even without acting yet, naming:
- Slows down the physiological surge
- Creates internal space for reflection
- Gives us more options for expression
(You can find her glossary and interpretations of emotions here so you can explore this in your own practice.)
Anger as Performance, Not Destruction
When panic is unclenched, anger can “perform” its true role. It becomes:
- Grounded: expressed from stability, not reactivity.
- Clear: focused on the specific boundary or value being violated.
- Relational: delivered in a way that keeps the door open for dialogue when possible.
7 Small Shifts for Big Magic
- Pause to Notice the Clench
When you feel “panger,” check your body: are your shoulders tight, your jaw locked, your breath shallow? Simply naming “I’m clenched” can soften the panic edge. - Name the Emotion Precisely
Instead of just “I’m angry,” try: irritated, disrespected, overwhelmed, unseen. Language creates perspective and gives you options. - Breathe, Then Confess
Whisper to yourself or a safe other: “I feel scared and angry right now.” Vulnerability dissolves panic’s grip and clears the way for clarity. - Ask: What Boundary Is Being Crossed?
Anger almost always points to a boundary. Identifying it brings the focus back to protection and truth rather than reaction. - Channel Before You Communicate
Write your anger’s message in a journal before speaking it aloud. This lets the raw energy move without harm. - Experiment With a Small Truth
Try expressing one honest sentence where you’d normally mask. It doesn’t have to be perfect — practice builds trust in your voice. - Reframe Anger as Fierce Care
Each time anger arises, ask: what is this emotion trying to care for in me? Seeing anger as love reshapes how you hold and express it.
Healthy anger doesn’t destroy connection — it protects the conditions for real connection to exist. Vulnerability is the gateway to that kind of anger: it invites truth into the room without shutting out care.