We struggle with the emotion of anger for many reasons. Many of us have suffered at the hands of someone else’s anger, and many of us have hurt others with our own. Either way, anger can feel shameful and taboo.
Anger at someone is different from simply feeling anger. Feeling anger is an intimate, internal experience — your body’s way of signalling that something matters, something hurts, or something is out of alignment. Anger at someone is externalised; it can become a weapon, a performance, or a plea for recognition. The first invites you inward, the second often pulls you away from yourself.
The way people use anger to position their power or achieve results often leaves us disconnected from both anger and power. Power, abuse, disregard, and disrespect get rolled together, and both anger and power can carry a shadow of shame. As children, we may have been on the receiving end of a whipping, the sting and humiliation imprinting deeply. We spend years avoiding or compensating for that feeling — and in the process, we learn to give away our own power to avoid the risk of that pain again.
In November 2019, I was minding my own business one Friday evening. I had painstakingly cleaned my kitchen — a sign I was in OCD overdrive. I’d saved a bunch of coriander to chop. Lost in thought, I didn’t notice anyone come or go, but I saw a drawer ajar, sugar and coffee crumbs at the kettle… and rage erupted. I shrieked, slammed the knife into the chopping board, breaking both, and found myself on the floor, hand bloodied, soaked in tears. Something had to change. I couldn’t keep terrorising myself or pretending to be above my suffering. I could no longer work in an ecosystem unwilling to support people in real, imperfect ways.
That night began a journey from my head to my heart. I started unmasking, becoming at home with myself, returning the parts I’d exiled, and letting go of the illusion of control. My anger and rage loved me that night — they shook me awake and reminded me that power is not about control, it’s about truth.
There is so much anger born from performing versions of ourselves we believe will keep us safe. We shapeshift into personas that might keep the peace, win approval, or avoid harm. This isn’t harmless adaptability; it’s the quiet theft of self-expression, and it starves us. Living in performance leads to suppression and repression. Anger calcifies into resentment that never expires because it’s misdirected — often aimed at others when, deep down, it’s about our own self-abandonment.
This is the Chameleon archetype in action: fast, skilled, exhausting, and lonely. Every adjustment to suit others disconnects us from ourselves. The price of these masks is steep: chronic self-betrayal, eroded self-trust, the slow loss of aliveness, and the surrender of personal power.
But what if anger isn’t a flaw? What if it’s fierce love — the alarm bell that rings when boundaries are crossed? What if its heat is trying to restore us to ourselves? Anger can be an invitation to notice where we’ve vanished and choose visibility again.
Questions to Explore:
- What does your anger feel like in your body? Where does it live?
- What is it trying to protect or reclaim?
- Whose attention is it seeking?
- What wisdom is it concealing or revealing?
- What “adult” alarm bell is it ringing for you?
- How does your shapeshifting feed its persistence?
7 Small Shifts for Big Magic:
- Pause before responding and notice if you’re about to shift into “acceptable” mode.
- Keep a “mask journal” for a week — track when you feel real and when you vanish.
- Name one truth you normally hide.
- Ask: “If I honoured my boundaries here, what would change?”
- Write your anger’s message before acting.
- Practice saying one honest sentence in a safe space.
- Schedule one hour this week just for you.
Book List:
- The Gifts of Imperfection — Brené Brown
- Untamed — Glennon Doyle
- Radical Acceptance — Tara Brach
- Playing Big — Tara Mohr
- Burnout — Emily & Amelia Nagoski
Special Invitations:
Join this free webinar to discover why you are unable to shake your inner critic
Book your complimentary 60-minute Power Pause session — a space to slow down, hear yourself, and explore what’s possible when you stop shapeshifting. Book your session here
May this week bring you the courage to remove one mask — and feel the relief of being met as you are.
