Some of us were born rebels, fists in the air, pushing back against rules and expectations. Others, though—many of us—found another way to survive. We learned to be good. Not just polite or well-behaved, but compliant in a way that kept us safe. It wasn’t weakness. It wasn’t a failure of strength. It was, in fact, an act of brilliance. A survival response as old as time: not Fight, Flight, or Freeze—but Fawn.

Fawning is what happens when the need for safety overrides the need for authenticity. When we sense that our belonging is conditional, we shape ourselves accordingly. We smile when we want to scream. We nod when we want to shake our heads. We soften when we want to stand firm. And over time, the performance becomes the identity. 

The Good Girl is born.

But here’s what’s remarkable: what once saved us can also keep us trapped. The very strategy that ensured our survival can make thriving seem nothing short of impossible.

How the People Pleasing Good Girl Shows Up

The Good Girl whispers:

• Don’t be too much. You’ll make others uncomfortable.
• Don’t be too loud. It’s not ladylike.
• Don’t be too ambitious. You’ll be seen as arrogant.
• Don’t ask for too much. You’ll be a burden.
• Be helpful, be accommodating, be nice… at all costs.
• Feel guilty when setting boundaries. You’re insourcing other people’s emotions so they don’t have to.
• Over-function in relationships and at work. Because if you don’t do it, who will?
• Minimize your success or downplay your wins. To avoid making others uncomfortable.
• Fear being perceived as selfish for prioritizing yourself. Even when it’s essential.
• Say “I’m fine” even when you’re not. Because admitting struggle feels like failure.

Take a moment. Get Curious:

• Where does your own Good Girl voice show up? 
• How has compliance served you? 
• What did it protect you from?

And now, the harder question: What has been the cost?

The True Cost of Compliant People Pleasing

There is a difference between kindness and self-abandonment. There is a difference between being considerate and making yourself invisible. The Good Girl’s rules, once so effective in securing safety, now interfere with survival in a different way. They make thriving seem near impossible.

Each compliance strategy has a cost:

• The fear of being too much keeps you small.
• The need to be agreeable erodes your voice.
• The guilt around setting boundaries leaves you depleted.
• The impulse to over-function at work or in relationships fosters resentment and exhaustion.

Your survival instincts deserve your gratitude. But your thriving deserves your commitment.

And that commitment begins with compassion.

Why Compassion is the Way Forward

Compassion is not indulgence. It is not an excuse.

I’ll say that again. Compassion is not an indulgence. It is not an excuse.  

It is a radical act of self-respect. 

Anyone who says that self-compassion is fluffy navel-gazing nonsense has never tried it. Self-compassion takes real courage. It is a bit like standing up for yourself against yourself, and without resorting to any of the self-protection strategies you’ve become so adept at. It’s about foregoing Self-Judgement and holding your Inner Critic gently and with Kindness.

It’s about holding our survival strategies with kindness, and creating the space to evolve beyond them. We honour the cleverness of our younger selves without allowing those outdated patterns to rule us now.

As the poet Mary Oliver reminds us:

You do not have to be good. You do not have to walk on your knees for a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.

You were always enough. And you were made for more.

I absolutely understand that this may be difficult for you to believe at times. I tell you what: Borrow my Belief that this is true for you. When you’ve integrated this as your belief you can let me have mine back 🌸

Small Shifts for Big Magic: Boundaries as a Practice 🦋

Stepping out of the Good Girl Game doesn’t happen in one grand act of rebellion. It happens in small, steady acts of self-honouring.

Start here:

• Set one new boundary. It doesn’t have to be big. Maybe you decline an invitation without offering an excuse. Maybe you leave a WhatsApp group that drains your energy. Maybe you request a deadline extension rather than overextending yourself.
• Advocate with yourself, for yourself. Make a promise that you will not betray yourself for the comfort of others. And keep it.
• Identify one space in which you can be ‘selfish.’ Where can you put yourself first without guilt?
• Ask for something—not from need, but from desire. Can you request support, not because you can’t survive without it, but because you deserve it?
• Receive. Let someone help you, compliment you, or care for you without brushing it off.

It doesn’t have to be dramatic. It just has to begin.

A Small Shift, A Big Magic Moment 🪄

Alicia, a woman I once worked with—a successful, respected specialist and thought leader in her job—was drowning under the weight of unspoken expectations. She was the one who remembered birthdays, who stayed late at work, who made things easier for everyone. 

And one day, very bravely, she made a shift. Just one. She declined a request. Politely. Kindly. But firmly.

And the world didn’t end.

She thought it would. In fact, she believed it would. 

And yet, something else happened: she felt a glimmer of freedom. A realization that she had more power than she thought. That she could be both kind and boundaried. That she could belong and be whole.

What is one step you will take?

Book Recommendations 📖

• Untamed – Glennon Doyle
• Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab
• The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown

Playlist for Your Reclamation  🎶🎼

• “Unstoppable” – Sia
• “Girl on Fire” – Alicia Keys
• “Freedom” – Beyoncé
• “Brave” – Sara Bareilles
• “I Am Here” – P!nk

Final Thought

You are not here to shrink. You are not here to be palatable. You are here to be whole.

With you on this journey,

Safiyyah