Change doesn’t have to be big to be powerful. It just has to be honest. – Safiyyah Boolay

There’s a version of you that is aching to be lived.  

A version that doesn’t shrink. Doesn’t self-edit. Doesn’t shape-shift to be more palatable or less “much.”  

She laughs louder.  

Loves deeper.  

Says no quicker.  

Says yes with her whole body.  

And she dares to trust her own timing.

She is you—unhandbraked.

But shame…  

Shame grips the wheel with trembling hands and yanks the handbrake up—hard.

And just like that, your forward motion stalls.  

The truest version of you? Trapped under layers of “Should,” “Who do you think you are?” and “Don’t rock the boat.”  

Not erased—but contained. 

Let’s talk about this—gently. Without shame about shame.  

Because here’s the truth: 

Shame is not your fault. 

It is your invitation.

The Quiet Way Shame Works

Shame doesn’t always scream. In fact, it rarely does.

More often than not, it simmers—quiet, elusive, sophisticated.  

It wears the face of excellence. It cosplays as kindness. It camouflages itself as self-awareness.  

But what it’s really doing… is eroding you from the inside.  

Shame isn’t just emotional. 

It’s physiological.  

Energetic.  

Systemic.  

A cancer of the psyche. 

An autoimmune disease of identity.  

It convinces you that you are the problem. That you must be fixed. That your softness, your power, your needs, your voice are liabilities.

And so you internalize that. You begin to reject yourself before anyone else can.  

You pre-empt rejection by over-functioning. You hide your tenderness in competence.  

You perform likeability. You carry what isn’t yours.  

You become fluent in everyone’s needs but your own.

You start to believe that your worth is conditional.  

That your power is dangerous.  

That your real self must be filtered, diluted, postponed.

But this isn’t your truth. It’s your survival script.

And you don’t rewrite it with more self-discipline or another productivity hack.  

You heal by loving the crap out of yourself.  

Love yourself like your life depends on it—because in a way, it does.  

Love the confused parts, the frozen parts, the parts that don’t yet believe.  

Love yourself through the mess. Through the muting. Through the remembering.

Speak to yourself like someone worth saving.  

Because you are.

“What if the small things are the big things?” – Elizabeth Gilbert

But What If It Wasn’t Your Fault?

Most of us didn’t learn shame as a concept.  

We inhaled it as culture.

Maybe you were praised for being quiet. Or punished for asking questions.  

Maybe your emotions were too big for the room.  

Maybe your needs were met with withdrawal.  

Maybe your brilliance was too much for someone else’s insecurity.

You learned: “If I want to belong, I need to disappear—or at least dim.”  

You built a life that looked impressive, but felt misaligned.  

And slowly, the handbrake became part of you.

But beloved, survival isn’t the same as selfhood.  

And belonging built on suppression isn’t safety.  

It’s captivity.

“Grace means that all of your mistakes now serve a purpose instead of serving shame.” – Brené Brown

Authenticity as Your Healing Path

Every place shame tries to shut you down… authenticity is asking to be reclaimed.  

Not in a performative, loud, “prove them wrong” kind of way.  

But in a quiet, sacred, this-is-my-homecoming kind of way.

Authenticity isn’t a brand. 

It’s an energy.  

It’s remembering what it feels like to be you—before the world told you who to be.

And reclaiming it?

It looks like crying when you need to.  

Saying “I don’t know” when you don’t.  

Choosing rest when your body whispers.  

Saying no without a thesis-length explanation.  

Letting your joy take up space.  

It’s being loyal to your inner truth—not your old programming.  

It’s becoming who you already are.

And it’s not a straight line.  

You’ll have days where the handbrake pulls you back. Where shame whispers seductively.  

But each time you choose self-trust over performance, compassion over criticism, and truth over tolerance…  

You unhandbrake a little more.

You can start over at any time. Just start. Gently. – Morgan Harper Nichols

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

This work—this slow, sacred, radical return to self—is tender.  

And almost impossible in isolation.

That’s why I do what I do.

To remind you that you’re not broken.  

That you don’t need to be shinier or quieter or more anything.  

That your “too muchness” might be your magic.  

That your softness is strength.  

That the love you’re waiting for? It begins with how you hold you.

This world doesn’t need more performing.  

It needs more permission. 

More space-holders.  

More truth-tellers.  

More women living unhandbraked.

More you.

A Journaling Invitation

If something stirred within you, honour that stir.

Take a breath.  

Make some tea.  

Grab your pen.  

And ask:

– Where in my life am I still dimming to fit in?

– What would I say or do differently if shame wasn’t behind the wheel?

– Where am I craving more truth, more ease, more permission?

– What part of me is tired of being hidden?

Let your answers be messy. Let them be real. Let them guide you.

Because your authenticity isn’t a performance.  

It’s a permission slip. 

And your self-love?  

It’s the key to releasing the handbrake.

You were never meant to be silenced.  

You were made to be seen.

2 Small Shifts for Big Magic

The journey back to self isn’t always thunderous. Sometimes it begins in tiny ways. Here are two small shifts that can spark big internal magic:

Shift 1: Ask yourself, “Is this loving?”

Not, “Is this efficient?” or “Will they approve?”

Just this:
“Is this loving—to me, to who I’m becoming, to what I need right now?”

This one question softens shame and strengthens self-trust.
It guides you back to your inner compass.

Shift 2: Replace “I should” with “I choose.”

Every “should” comes with the weight of shame.
Every “choose” returns power to your palms.

Try it:
“I choose to rest.”
“I choose to speak up.”
“I choose to honour myself.”

These tiny language shifts rewire how you hold your own power.

Big Magic Playlist

Press play and let these tracks stir your soul:

• River – Leon Bridges
• Rise Up – Andra Day
• Good Woman – India.Arie
• Unstoppable – Sia
• Free – Emeli Sandé
• Soft Place to Land – Sara Bareilles
• Weightless – Marconi Union
• Cranes in the Sky – Solange

Big Magic Reading List

• Big Magic – Elizabeth Gilbert
• The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown
• Radical Compassion – Tara Brach
• Playing Big – Tara Mohr
• Rest is Resistance – Tricia Hersey
• The Way of Integrity – Martha Beck
• Women Who Run With the Wolves – Clarissa Pinkola Estés
• Belong – Toko-pa Turner