Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others. – Brené Brown
Boundaries are not barriers. They are not rules we impose on others. They are not acts of selfishness or rejection.
Boundaries are self-respect made visible. They are how we care for ourselves, honour what matters, and navigate the world with both love and clarity.
And yet… they are really, really hard to set.
Let me say that again …. ‘Boundaries are really, really hard to set.
Most of us don’t struggle with boundaries because we don’t want them. We struggle because, for most of our lives, boundaries haven’t even felt like an option!
Why Boundaries Feel So Hard
We’ve been socialized to play along to get along. We’ve been taught that saying yes earns approval, that being easy-going makes us likeable, and that self-sacrifice is synonymous with love.
But there’s more.
Setting a boundary can feel like a threat to our belonging; and to our very survival.
Our nervous systems are wired to prioritize connection over conflict. Rejection doesn’t just hurt—on a primal level, it can feel catastrophic. When we are stressed, exhausted, or already carrying the weight of a million worries, this fear is amplified. The last thing our overworked, overwhelmed selves want to do is risk alienation by saying no.
So we go along. We smile when we’d rather leave. We agree when every fiber of our being wants to say I can’t do this anymore.
Not because we don’t know better.
Not because we don’t want better.
But because our nervous system does not register boundaries as a safe option.
And this is where self-compassion changes everything.
Self-Compassion: The Foundation for Boundaries
Most of us think of self-compassion as gentle and tender—offering ourselves kindness when we’re struggling, speaking to ourselves in a soft, reassuring tone, or allowing ourselves rest when we are exhausted.
That’s part of it. But it’s not the whole story.
Self-compassion also has a fierce side.
It’s the voice that says:
🚫 Enough.
🚫 I will not abandon myself.
💗 I deserve to take up space.
Kristin Neff, a leading researcher on self-compassion, describes this balance as “tender self-compassion” and “fierce self-compassion.”
- Tender self-compassion soothes, nurtures, and offers us refuge.
- Fierce self-compassion protects, empowers, and draws the line.
When we think of self-compassion only as kindness, we risk bypassing our own needs in the name of being ‘nice.’ But self-compassion is also about courage.
It’s choosing yourself in moments where every part of you wants to default to old patterns. It’s having your own back even when it feels uncomfortable.
Boundaries are evidence of the dance of tender and fierce self-compassion. It is what is possible for us when we are kind enough with ourselves so that we have the capacity to be courageous enough for ourselves.
Here’s a simple truth:
How we relate to ourselves determines how we relate to everything.
And to everyone.
Boundaries are not about controlling others, but about honoring ourselves.”
If we don’t see ourselves as worthy of care, our boundaries will reflect that. If we don’t feel safe in our own skin, we’ll find safety in approval—even at the cost of our well-being.
Boundaries are not just about what we say no to. They are an expression of personal power. They are the product of a journey back to self.
But what does this really mean?
It means boundaries are not rules we enforce on others. They are the evidence of our self-worth in action.
When we set a boundary, we are saying:
🌸 I honour my limits.
🌸 I know what I need to thrive.
🌸 I trust myself enough to choose wisely.
Every time we uphold a boundary that protects our well-being, we are reinforcing a fundamental truth:
💃🏻 I am worthy of my own care.
Every time we uphold a boundary, we create trust in ourselves.
Boundaries: A Radical Act of Self-Love
When we set a boundary, we are doing more than managing relationships.
We are:
- Declaring our worth.
- Trusting our inner wisdom.
- Honouring our limits.
Boundaries are self-trust in action. They say: I believe in myself enough to make choices that serve me.
And yet, boundaries are not just about us.
Healthy boundaries create healthier relationships.
- When we set clear expectations, we reduce resentment.
- When we respect our own limits, we model respect for others.
- When we stop abandoning ourselves, we show up more fully and authentically.
Boundaries do not push people away. They create the conditions for real connection—one rooted in honesty, respect, and mutual care.
Every time you set a boundary, you say ‘I matter.
Boundaries Are Not About Controlling Others
A common misconception is that boundaries are about telling people what to do. But boundaries are not instructions for others.
They are clarity in how we will respond.
For example:
- Instead of: “You need to stop calling me at night.”
- Try: “I don’t take calls after 8 PM. I’ll reply in the morning.”
- Instead of: “You have to respect me.”
- Try: “If you continue speaking to me this way, I will remove myself from the conversation.”
Boundaries don’t require permission. They require clarity and follow-through.
Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.— Prentis Hemphill
Small Shifts for Big Magic in Boundaries
- Pause before saying yes. Give yourself a moment to check in before committing.
- Let silence do the heavy lifting. You don’t have to over-explain or justify your boundaries.
- Practice saying no without guilt. It’s not unkind to prioritize your well-being.
- Limit over-apologizing. You don’t have to be sorry for protecting your energy.
- Set a daily check-in: What do I need today?
- Honor your energy. Notice when interactions drain or energize you.
- Define work and personal time clearly. Boundaries start with you.
- Protect your peace. Unfollow, mute, or step away when needed.
- Give yourself permission to disappoint others. You are not responsible for managing their feelings.
- Remind yourself: Boundaries create freedom, not restriction.
Reading List
- Set Boundaries, Find Peace – Nedra Glover Tawwab
- The Gifts of Imperfection – Brené Brown
- Radical Acceptance – Tara Brach
- Fierce Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff
- Boundary Boss – Terri Cole
Playlist for Courageous Boundaries
- “Brave” – Sara Bareilles
- “You Say” – Lauren Daigle
- “Rise Up” – Andra Day
- “Unstoppable” – Sia
- “Good as Hell” – Lizzo
Final Thoughts
Boundaries are not about creating distance. They are about creating the conditions for true connection—starting with the one you have with yourself.
You are allowed to take up space.
You are allowed to honour what feels right.
You are allowed to choose yourself.
And when you do, you are not just setting boundaries.
You are coming home to yourself.
